Ask the Psychologist: Gus Appignanesi, M.A
Gus Appignanesi is a clinical psychologist working with children and their families for over 25 years.
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I have some concerns regarding my boyfriend's 10 year-old son (who lives with us). He constantly gets into bed with us during the night or in the early morning. I do not like this at all. Morally I think he is too old to be in bed with us as he has started becoming increasingly sexually inquistive (such as why do some women have larger breasts than others).

Also I find it extremely difficult to sleep with him there as I am a light sleeper and he is very mobile, a heavy breather, and a talker in his sleep.

I have expressed my feelings to his father (my boyfriend) but he just lets him get in the bed. I don't want to get mad at his son (I don't feel its his fault entirely) but I don't want to make my boyfriend feel as though I'm questioning his parenting abilities. Also, I don't know if these problems are related or not but he also sucks his thumb and does not wipe himself properly after a bowel movement (his underwear often have stains of them).

Are these signs of! some kind of developmental problem? Or is he being "babied" too much? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank!

Sorry for the delay in my response. I cannot judge by this information if there are any developmental issues with your boyfriend`s son. I do believe, however, that there are some parental issues on his part. A ten year old boy occasionally wanting to snuggle with his parents is more than appropriate. Sleeping with them on a regular basis is inappropriate. It is pysically and emotionally uncomfortable, especially since your are not his mother. The issue of not carefully wiping himself adds to the issue of `babying`. It sounds like the father and son need some parental guidance. The son needs limits and sensitive guidance to reduce the issues discussed in this reply.

Yes, children do have strong personalities and are very subject to peer pressure. Yet, if we feel strongly about an issue, we also have to act. Rather than forbidding her or letting it go, I would enter into a conversation with her to better understand your daughter`s interest in this other girl. Maybe there are some good points to this relationship. Also through several conversations, you may be able to have your won daughter see this other girl`s shortcomings. She has to see it to believe it. If you just forbid her, you will only make the relationship more interesting. Closing the door will only alienate your daughter from you and bring her closer to the other girl or peers. Trying to understand and challenge her thinking through open conversations can open the door to understanding.

Your husband is approaching this matter all wrong. Different children have different temperaments. Consequences won't change her mood or feelings at that moment. Being upset won't work either. I understand that feels hurt, but by allowing her to approach when she wants to approach him,gives her the dignity of making choices based on her feelings. In time, he will get more by reacting less.

Children that lie do so for many different reasons. He may feel afraid of consequences, even though you've told him that telling the truth is okay. He may lie to avoid looking bad or feeling bad about himself. He knows right from wrong so he may lie to appear right and avoid embarrassment. Children sometimes learn that parents and teachers do not know everything that children do; so not telling or stretching the truth is possible. Regardless, children lie to get or avoid something. Stopping one to lie can be difficult, because it is hard to catch them in every act of lying throughout a day. Encourage the truth by being open and reasonable about consequences; discourage lying by making the consequences of lying far greater than when telling the truth. Have open discussions about the long term effects of lying. There books and videos that have stories about children that lie that may have impact.

Diagnosing ADD or ADHD is very serious matter. As your son's doctor for a referral to a specific psychologist or clinic that specializes in the testing and diagnosis of Attention Deficit. ADD children are very often above average in intelligence, but are driven to distraction through no fault of their own. They feel frustrated and left untreated they eventually fall behind in school and lose their self-esteem. Behavioral issues can develop when ADD is left untreated. The report, besides giving a diagnosis, should include a list of recommenadtions and treatment plan thta includes the child, parents and school staff.

Absolutely not! She probably sees less of your husband, since he goes to work each day. She sees you more often and is more use to your face. This other face, daddy, appears new to her. She may also be attracted by something that is different on his face that is different from your face.

My 11 y/o son has eating anxiety, or something.

He was ok eating soft foods and when he was around 6 months and we started some 3rd stage baby food (with some solids in it), he would always gag and choke.

Eventually we gave up with that type of food, and ate a lot of oatmeal, etc.

Over the years he's started eating pizza, french fries, chicken
nuggets, fish sticks, toast, grilled cheese, chips, cookies, pretzels.

He's not one for ice cream, cake, pie, pudding, jello.

Anyway, we are trying now to get him to eat other foods, and the anxiety over just trying other foods gets him hysterically running away and crying. He's even said he's going to kill himself!

What kind of problem is this AND who on earth should we look for to help him???

I am sick of society and traditions placing a higher value on blood relations. I am an 18 year old who has dated the same person for 4.5 years now. My 21 year old boyfriend can't seem to get close to me because his family doesn't allow him to. His mother shares a very weak emotional tie with her husband, so she clings to my boyfriend (her son) and expects him to act almost like a father figure to his brother (who is 10 years old). Her husband just works all day.

I didn't know all this entering the relationship, but now when I'm too close to him to imagine even living a day without having to hear his voice.. if that'd happen, I'd break down. I can't even begin to describe how badly I need him emotionally.

He loves me greatly too, but his family and society (particularly, the media) brainwashes him with subliminal messages which give him no other choice than to always chose his family over me. For example, just recently he spent at least 4 hours getting his dearest brother a nice video-game set, but because he was so wrapped up with that, he TOATLLY forgot about getting a gift for me. On the other hand, I spent 5 hours hand-stitching a pillow with our names on it.

Can you please explain to me why there is a "Mother's Day", "Father's Day", but not a "Wife's Day"? Not a "Husband's Day"? Can someone please explain to me why there are numerous websites dedicated to how mothers are so wonderful, but only five or six deciated to wives?

I know if I marry him, I wouldn't be able to chose between him and our child because i'll love them both dearly and equally. But I know I won't get the same in return - i'll be #2 in line because he's brainwashed by society and has "learned" that "blood is thicker than water" - and I know that will kill me from within.

Please give me your input. I'm quite desparate. thank you very very very much.