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Uncommon Courtesy:
Are Your Kids in for a Rude Awakening?
By Carol Cujec
carolcujec@yahoo.com

You don’t have to be Miss Manners to know that people have become ruder. In a world where Beaver Cleaver has been replaced by Bart Simpson, what do we expect?

But where do parents start? Do we have to buy a big book of etiquette and learn how to fold napkins into trumpeter swans? Who cares where the soup spoon goes anyway?

Courtesy isn’t complicated, says etiquette authority Letitia Baldrige, former chief of staff to Jacqueline Kennedy and author of More Than Manners! Raising Today’s Kids to Have Kind Manners & Good Hearts (Rawson 1997). “There are many rules of etiquette that have only to do with form and presentation. Then there are manners and goodwill toward others, which have little to do with form and presentation and everything to do with the heart.” Quite simply, courtesy is all about kindness.

Why be courteous? Baldrige gives some darn good reasons:
•It makes you feel good about yourself.
•The world becomes more orderly and efficient. “Just think if we all crossed the street exactly where we wanted to and didn’t obey the traffic laws—people would get run over, there’d be ambulances all over the place, people dying. That’s what rules are for. They make life work.”
•The world seems brighter. “When people are kind to one another, the space they occupy becomes warmer and more comfortable.”

But courtesy doesn’t come naturally to kids, explains Dr. Kevin Leman, author of Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours (Revell 2000). It takes time and patience to train those “hedonistic little suckers,” as he jokingly calls them. Baldrige declares that not only parents, but every adult who spends time with a child should take the opportunity to teach manners. It’s not an option, she says, it’s a duty.

Be a Good Manner Model
If you don’t often hear your child use the magic words—Please, Thank You, Excuse Me—notice how often you use them yourself. How often do you say these words to your child? Or to your spouse? Or to the cashier at the supermarket? Ever catch yourself yelling at inconsiderate drivers? (Who’s taking notes in the back seat?) How good a sport are you when your favorite team loses a game?

Modeling courteous behavior is the best way to teach your children. They’re always taking cues from how parents behave, says Dr. Leman. “Parents love to think about discipline as something that’s passed down to children. But the fact of the matter is if you have a disciplined child, you have lived a disciplined life.”

•Use phrases like Please, Thank you, You’re welcome, Excuse me, and I’m sorry. Before long, your little ones will be imitating you, says Leman.
•Speak respectfully to your children and your partner.
•Speak respectfully about other groups of people. Prejudice is a contagious disease, warns Baldrige. “It is spread to a child at home by his parents, then carried to school where the child infects his friends.”

Don’t Rely on Don’ts
Don’t slurp your soup. Don’t wipe your nose with your sleeve. Don’t slouch. Don’t mumble. Don’t! Don’t! Don’t! It’s easy to see why kids tune out.

Instead, Baldrige says emphasize the positive. Seize every opportunity to point out acts of kindness you see.
Look at that girl holding the door open for the older gentleman.

Praise acts of kindness done by your child (even with a little coaxing).

I’m so proud of you for helping Mrs. Smith with her groceries!

We can’t, of course, expect perfection. When your child does falter, speak with her in private (show her the respect you expect her to show others), and point out how her behavior made someone else feel.

When you told Robert to go away, you hurt his feelings. I want you to tell him you’re sorry.

“That little apology will teach that child she is a responsible member of the community,” says Baldrige.

Beyond Please and Thank You
These are just a few of the basic courtesies Letitia Baldrige recommends teaching your kids (adapted from More than Manners!).

Greetings
One of the most basic elements of manners is how to say hello. When you introduce your child to an adult, teach him to look that person straight in the eye and say, “Hello Mr./Ms. _________.” A firm (not fishy) handshake is a nice touch.

Compliments
Show your child how to praise someone who deserves it and how to accept praise graciously. Above all, never throw a compliment back in someone’s face. For example, if someone says, “You drew a lovely picture,” don’t reply, “No, I messed up the face here and the colors were all wrong in this part.” Instead, simply say, “Thank you. You’re very kind.”

Being a Good Sport
Teach your child to be a gracious loser. After all, no one wants to play with someone who always argues, sulks, or claims his opponent cheated. Instead, at the end of the game, congratulate everyone for playing well.

Environmental Courtesy
Teach your kids that it’s selfish to litter.

Gifts
Have your child thank people for gifts with a letter, phone call, fax, e-mail, carrier pigeon…you get the picture, just thank them!

Giving up Your Seat
Teach your child to give up his seat on public transportation to someone who needs it more.

Volunteer Work
Help your child get involved in a cause that’s important to her.
•cleaning her favorite park
•tutoring a classmate
•reading to the blind
•visiting and delivering food to the elderly
•volunteering at a museum or hospital

Table Manners
You know the drill. Don’t slurp, slouch, interrupt, complain about the food, throw the food, chew with your mouth open, reach in front of someone, etc. Dr. Leman recommends practicing proper table manners using something called “The Penny Game.” Everyone, including adults, gets five pennies (or dimes or quarters if you’re a big spender). When someone catches a family member not using proper manners, he gets one of their pennies. “Mom and Dad can volunteer to play the buffoon who reaches in front of someone or doesn’t say Please pass the potatoes,” says Leman. It’s a big hit with little kids.

Bottom line, says Baldrige, the world works better when people think about somebody other than themselves. By the way…that soup spoon—it goes above the plate.

Carol Cujec is a freelance writer based in Wakefield, MA, who never confuses her soup spoon with her shrimp fork. She can be reached at carolcujec@yahoo.com.

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