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Adoption
can be a thrilling, emotional experience that produces many unique
opportunities for the joys, challenges and growth of becoming
a family. During the process, parentïs emotions seem to resemble a roller
coaster ride! Some are confused about issues, overwhelmed by choices
they are expected to make and anxious about their adopted child.
Some are fearful about the unknown, searching for adoptive
parenting strategies and unsure how to answer their childrenïs
adoption questions.
Being
an adoptive parent of two eleven year old children from Russia,
I have empowered myself with adoption education, information and
support during the many phases in the adoption process (pre-adoption
& post-adoption). It is my belief that families have the potential for a stronger,
healthier relationship when parents are equipped to understand
and meet adoption issues.
Adoption is a wonderful alternate process to becoming a
family, but it is important to prepare for and learn about issues.
Most
birth families attend pre-natal classes, bond and attach during
the birth process, and have a period of time to adjust in the
transition of becoming a new family.
Society does not provide for or prepare adoptive parents.
They are expected to become a family when their child is
placed in their arms.
There
arenït any available Ähow-to books¥ to teach parents how to attach
and help their child feel safe, help their child deal with loss,
or prepare their child for school and the school for their child.
Adoptive parents are told that love alone will be the band-aid
cure, but love, being powerful, is not enough!
Adoptive
children and especially those internationally adopted, have many
issues and feelings that surface at different developmental stages.
The well informed parent, is the prepared parent who can
validate and help guide their child through these stages.
This important gift enhances the parent-child relationship.
It
is critical to understand the attachment and bonding process,
the honeymoon period, (perfect behavior) the testing period (non-compliant
behavior), the socialization period, once they go to school and
face the issues that suddenly appear with trying to fit in.
Socializing with peers, children begin to realize that
they re different and question those differences and their feelings.
The
types of problems that adoptive parents see in their children
are most likely the result of breaks in attachment that occur
within the first three years.
Early developmental years were spent in orphanages, where
many suffered from neglect, abuse and abandonment.
Many children exhibit a variety of behaviors which manifest
problems such as Reactive Attachment Disorder.
These are problems that impair, and even cripple, the childïs
ability to trust and attach-to other human beings.
Parenting and treating the Äunattached¥ child is a difficult
task. It requires
significant, readily available supports systems and pre-established
or thought-out interventions.
Adoption
knowledge is empowerment.
Attending workshops and support groups, is an excellent
vehicle for education, understanding, and management strategies.
In a positive, non-threatening social environment, parents
meet, learn from one anotherïs experiences, receive and share
emotional support. They gain reassurance that their feelings and reactions are
normal and appropriate.
Attaining
this invaluable knowledge makes informed parents better equipped
to understand and deal with issues should they arise. The gift
of being an Äinformed adoptive parent¥, allows the healing process
to begin. It creates
safety in nurturing and allows the love to blossom.
It is a lesson in patience, time and trust. What better way to promote the warmth of your relationship
with your children.
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