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THE TROUBLE WITH WORDS
By R.N.Whitehead
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Your son's November report card is sitting on the table and you
are not
happy! Math is lower than it should be, his teacher noted that
he did
not hand in all his assignments and he got a 'Needs Improvement
' for
EFFORT! What do we do? IF you are like most of us, you will sit
down
with your son (or daughter) to "have a little talk".
How well do those talks work? Do they actually motivate our kids
or do
they just fly in one ear and out the other? Maybe it is the words!
When we are stressed, frustrated, tired or annoyed we sometimes
use
words that work against us! Often they bring about the opposite
result.
Most of these words occur at or near the beginning of a sentence.
Here
are some examples of words that can do more harm than good. Watch
out
for them!
1) "WHY?" - (offered as a question)
This word is usually followed by "don't you, can't you, won't
you or
did you" For example: " Why can't you keep your room
clean?"
The word 'WHY' asks for an answer but we are not really asking
for
information when we utter it. We are just blaming or criticizing.
Kids
will not be motivated to help if they feel that they are being
criticized. In fact, for most children, this question cannot be
answered. Most children do not know WHY they do things, they just
act on
their emotions.
Leave out the WHY and change the question to a clear, precise
statement
such as, " I want you to keep your room clean." Even
if your child could
answer the question "WHY?", why would you want to know
the answer
anyway? You really just want a change to occur. Be clear about
YOUR
expectations and you will achieve them more often than not.
2) 'IF.......'
In this context, the word 'IF' is usually followed by the word
'you' ,
especially when it is being used as a threat.
For example: " If you do that again, you'll be sorry!"
OR:
" If you don't treat your clothes better, I won't buy you
any more."
The problem here is that we often can't carry out our threats.
They are
uttered when we are angry and not really rational. BUT, if we
don't
carry through on our threats, our children become confused and
we lose
our ability to speak with authority. Often the threat uttered
this way
is out of proportion to the actual offence.
Use the words, 'as soon as' or 'when' instead of 'IF'. These words
are more precise and positive. Kids will not perceive them as
a threat
and they encourage you to stay rational and to weigh the deed
against
the consequences.
For example: " As soon as you have hung up your shirt, we
can play
that game."
3. "WHO STARTED IT?"
What do we really expect from this question? That the guilty party
will
own up? Not likely. By asking this question we are declaring that
we
want to assess blame instead of resolving the problem. The guilty
party
sees punishment ahead and is sure to keep quiet.
Instead, take a neutral problem-solving approach such as; "
You two
seem to have a problem. There is only one T.V. here and you know
what I
am like - if I hear too much arguing, I will probably just turn
it off
completely. So, instead of letting that happen, how can you work
together so that you will both be happy?"
4. 'NEVER , EVER, ALWAYS !!'
These words etch a trait into a concrete reality. " You never
pay
attention to her feelings!" and can become self-fulfilling
prophecies.
In addition, they are damaging to an emerging self-concept because
kids
will believe what you tell them.
Instead, describe YOUR expectations clearly and make it plain
that you
expect them to be lived up to. " You know that I expect you
to be kind
to your little sister. I will not allow violence or threats to
be used.
Please find a way to fix your problem that is kinder and less
likely to
get you into trouble with me."
5. 'YOU' statements
These are blaming statements and can damage a child's self-esteem.
"You're a bad boy." ; "You don't care about anybody
else!" ; " You're
acting like a baby."
These are large statements about a child's character instead of
specific statements about his behaviour! They are negative and
accusatory and will put kids on the defensive.
Instead, use 'I' statements which describe your own feelings and
expectations. " I'm angry about this behaviour" or "
I am upset when
other people's property is not respected."
As parents, we must learn how to motivate our children. That is
part of
our job. We can make our own lives much easier if we pay more
attention
to what we say and the words we use. Try to follow this old axiom
" If
it is important, say less, not more" you will probably be
amazed at the
results.
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