RAISING A NON-VIOLENT CHILD
By Bruce D. Perry |
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The
second core strength your child needs to be humane and protect
himself from violence by Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D.A newborn
infant, rocking in the arms of his loving parent, feels warm,
full, calm, and safe. His needs are met—for now. But soon,
his body will use up all of the food, his mother will put him
down, and a sound will startle him. When this happens, he feels
distress, and, unable to control himself, his only response is
to cry out in the hope that a parent will come to protect and
feed him.
Again and again you respond to the needs of your child. When infants
and children are incapable of meeting their own needs, they depend
upon attentive adults—you—to help them regulate those
needs. These loving interactions with caring parents form attachment
bonds. At the same time, in these same interactions, other crucial
areas of the infant’s brain are being shaped—including
the child’s stress response systems.
Responding to Stress
The brain is continually sensing and responding to the needs of
the body. We all have specialized “thermostats” that
monitor our internal and external worlds. When they sense something
is wrong, they activate the brain’s alarm systems. These
stress-response systems then act to help the body get what it
needs.
Much of this regulation takes place automatically, beyond our
awareness. But as we mature, our brain requires that we actively
participate in our own regulation. When the internal world needs
food or water, or the external world is overwhelming or threatening,
our body “tells” us so. If we thirst, we seek water;
when afraid, we prepare to fight or flee. In short, we self-regulate.
We act in response to the sensations and feelings that arise from
our brain’s alarm systems.
When these systems develop normally, we are able to deal with
complex and challenging situations with age-appropriate solutions—by
adulthood these solutions should be thoughtful and creative. When
a child’s capacity for self-regulation does not develop normally,
he will be at risk for many problems—from persistent tantrums
to impulsivity to difficulty regulating his own sleep and diet.
What helps the child’s stress-response systems develop in
an optimal way is repeated exposure to controllable “challenges.”
Every time a child is introduced to something new, a low-level
alarm response is activated. But with repetition comes mastery—what
the child’s brain initially interpreted as a potential threat
is now familiar and tolerable. It is not bad for children to experience
a low level of “anxiety” or distress when they are in
safe and responsive settings. As the child learns to tolerate
the sensation of hunger, he realizes that there is no need to
cry because this discomfort will soon go away (“Mom always
feeds me when I feel this way”). Over time, the child becomes
capable of tolerating significant distress. At the same time,
unpredictable or severe stress can lead to a host of problems.
A central part of developing a healthy stress-response capability
is learning to read one’s body’s signals.
Understanding Your Body’s Signals
Many of the sensations we feel are clear—thirst, for example.
But the body tends to use a common set of “alarm” sensations
for different kinds of potential threats. The feelings caused
by frustration are very similar to those caused by fear. A fearful
child may act sullen and “angry,” unaware that he is
actually anxious about starting in a new classroom. A hungry child
may act distracted, irritable, and non-compliant, again unaware
that the internal distress he feels is hunger. Sleep deprivation,
illness, physical exhaustion, and family distress are among the
things that can activate the alarm response and result in a set
of behaviors that are often misunderstood by teachers and the
child. Sometimes, we just can’t get what we need right away.
We must endure the discomfort related to exhaustion, hunger, thirst,
or fear. Learning to tolerate this distress, correctly label the
uncomfortable sensations, and develop appropriate, mature ways
to respond to these signals is central to healthy development.
Learning to Wait
The capacity for self-regulation matures as we grow. Infants are
born with an undeveloped ability to self-regulate. The dehydrated
infant cannot use words to ask for water, nor can he get water.
The infant feels thirst, then distress, and then cries, dependent
upon an attuned parent to meet his needs. The transition from
external regulation to self-regulation is one of the most important
tasks of growing up.
Healthy self-regulation is related to the capacity to tolerate
the sensations of distress that accompany an unmet need. The first
time the infant felt hunger, he felt discomfort, then distress,
and then he cried. An attuned parent responded. And after many
cycles of hunger, discomfort, distress, response, and satisfaction,
the child has learned that this feeling of discomfort, even distress,
will soon pass. The attuned, responsive caregiver helps the child
build the capacity to put a moment between the impulse and the
action.
As young children learn to read and respond appropriately to these
inner cues, they become much more capable of tolerating the early
signs of discomfort and distress that are related to stress, hunger,
fatigue, and frustration. When a child learns to tolerate some
anxiety, he will be much less reactive and impulsive. This allows
the child to feel more comfortable and act more “mature”
when faced with the inevitable emotional, social, and cognitive
challenges of development.
With the capacity to put a moment between a feeling and an action,
the child can take time to think, plan, and usually come up with
an appropriate response to the current challenge—if you want
another turn, wait in line and learn to tolerate the frustration
of not getting exactly what you want exactly when you want it.
When a Child Needs Support
Many children have difficulties with self-regulation because their
stress-response systems are poorly organized and hyper-reactive.
This could be related to many factors, including genetic predisposition,
developmental issues (such as lack of oxygen in utero), or exposure
to chaos, and violence. (Indeed, due to recent events, many children
will exhibit difficulties with self-regulation—at least over
the next few months.) Children with poor self-regulation can disrupt
an entire family. They are often impulsive, difficult to soothe,
hypersensitive to transitions, and tend to over-react to minor
challenges. These children require more structure, predictability,
and repetition to learn and grow than other children of the same
age. The degree of attention and nurturing that these children
require is often beyond the capacity of a preschool setting. Parents
may hear from the school that their child is having difficulties.
If these problems are extreme and persistent, or if the behaviors
disrupt the family or classroom, a parent should consider further
evaluation. Ways to help children who have not learned to self-regulate:
* These children are very sensitive to their parents’ emotional
tone. In fact, they often magnify and distort the parent’s
emotions. Try to model self-control and self-regulation in your
words and actions. If you feel angry, anxious, or overwhelmed,
walk away and calm down.
* Structure and predictability are essential. Kids with self-regulation
problems are internally unstructured. The more freedom and flexibility
they have the more likely they are to start bouncing off the walls.
* When you sense that your child is getting upset, try to make
the environment calmer: Lower the lights, turn down the volume
on the TV or radio, and try to engage the child in quieter activities.
* Don’t try to talk to your child when he is having a “fit.”
Instead, use firm, quiet actions.
* Try to limit play time with other impulsive children. These
kids tend to escalate each other.
* If you feel overwhelmed, take a break. Kids with poor self-control
often take more energy and attention than other children. Your
ability to help your child will depend upon how well your own
needs are being met.
* Don’t be afraid to get help. These problems are common
and can be addressed. The earlier you develop successful strategies
for helping your child, the easier life will be—for you and
for your child.
Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D., is an internationally recognized
authority on children in crisis. Dr. Perry leads the ChildTrauma
Academy, a pioneering center providing ser-vice, research, and
training in the area of child maltreatment (www.Child-Trauma.org).
He is the Medical Director for Provincial Programs in Children’s
Mental Health for Alberta, Canada.
Reprinted with permission from Scholastic Parent & Child,
November/December 2001. All rights reserved.
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