MARRIAGE - CAN IT SURVIVE?
By Gus Appignanesi
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The
year is 2013 and imagine yourself sitting in a lawyer’s office
being presented with various legal papers spelling out the “leasing”
terms of your future marriage. You and your future mate are being
asked whether you are considering a five, seven or ten year marriage
lease. Another question could be if you are planning children?
Who keeps them on the termination of the lease? What financial
arrangements are being planned between you and your mate? Is an
initial financial deposit necessary to ensure good will on both
parts of this arrangement? At this point, you are probably thinking
leasing is an absurd concept, or is it?
Do the words love, marriage and leasing sound incompatible? Well,
do you consider the words love, marriage and divorce sounding
any better? I doubt that anyone wanted to actively date to find
a partner, fall in love, get married, start to miscommunicate,
have children, ignore each other, further miscommunicate, have
less sex than a monk, argue in front of the children and then
argue some more in front of lawyers to get divorced. A bit too
cynical? If so, then why are 1 and 3 marriages ending up in divorce,
while another 1 and 3 needing therapeutic intervention?
Would you enter into any long term agreement without understanding
the emotional, financial and social implications? If you are currently
married, you probably did that very thing. Where does the love
go once we say, “I do”. It appears that as soon as the
two of us become one, we are desperately trying to become two
again. The reason primarily lies in communication skills and in
the fear of being absorbed by the other.
As in any good and effective partnership, it is imperative that
one communicates with the other in honest and open fashion. We
need to renew our love vows by falling in love with our partner
each day. We need to share our feelings, thoughts and long term
visions with one another. The commitment cannot be taken for granted.
We should not be afraid of being absorbed by our partners. Love
should not be a leash and collar, curtailing our desires. The
love of two people should form a synergism of something greater
than their individual love.
Making a marriage work should not be a series of compromises and
disappointments. We need to listen to one another. Listening means
trying to understand the other person as if the other was yourself.
True listening means that you do not know what you are going say
next until the other person has finished talking. Good listening
is the appreciation of what the other has to say to you. Stop
being defensive - open yourself up and hear what is really being
said to you. Make the conversation between the two of you an interactive
dialogue. No one should monopolize the conversation.
Keep the marriage fresh. Start dating one another again. Make
the date active. Too often couples think that date night means
going the movies. Do something that involves the two of you. Go
dancing. Go hiking. Go camping. Go “neck” in the back
seat of your car at your favorite local look-out point. Plan a
picnic in front of the fireplace on a
cold winter night. Make everyday the first day of your relationship.
Do not settle for mediocrity. Each partner should take turns thinking
of an activity that will enhance their relationship. Stop talking
about bills, the kids, the in-laws and how old we are getting.
Make fantasy a reality.
Leasing your partner makes perfect sense, if you believe that
a marriage has to become stale over time. If you believe that
a marriage has to deteriorate over time, then you negotiate the
end before it begins - leasing. If you believe that marriage is
an antiquated concept and that in time you will probably cheat
on or replace your spouse, then you want a short term lease.
Marriage does not have to be dull or compromising. It can be and
is as exciting as you choose it to be. Hard work, maybe. Rewarding,
definitely. A challenge. always. Making marriage work, however,
ensures that in the end you will have a true soul mate and lover
into your twilight years. Together, old and gray, you will walk
on the beach hand in hand into the sunset. Leasing? No way. You
want love.
Gus Appignanesi is a clinical psychologist with over 25 years
of experience, working with individual, couple and family issues.
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